this camp was a strange, compressed experience, more so than most camps. perhaps best i take it a day at a time.
DAY 0: Leaders’ Day
God gave me a name. or rather He gave it back to me – Nicholas. for the longest time i’ve asked people to call me quek – out of habit, desire, i really don’t know. but that night He called me Nicholas. i did some research and found out that Nicholas means ‘victory of the people’. slowly i started to see pieces from my past come forth – my chinese name was the name of a mighty warrior, and confirmations of the idea of being a warrior came bearing forth in my mind. i am a warrior for people, leading them to victory in Christ. my battlefield is spiritual, and my victories are not ultimately mine. i operate under the banner of Christ, and under His authority i move and act.
yet how can i bring victory for the people, if i myself have no yet achieved victory?
i still struggle so greatly in many areas, and though i know it is under Christ’ righteousness i come before God, my life does not quite reflect the consistency and repentant spirit that a child of God should have. when does it even? will it?
through all these, i am powerless. help me God to lean on You.
DAY 1: Prophecy
during leaders’ day, ps jeffery prayed that i would receive the gift of prophecy during the camp. i had received it before during a previous youth camp, but never really thought much of it beyond the camp. that night i asked God to sensitise my heart to Him, and speak His words to whoever should receive it. i gotta say it was strange. is peace of mind a strong enough indicator of what im saying to be ok? accordance with the Scriptures is a given, but there are so many grey areas that im not sure how to traverse. is my spirit still not comfortable listening to His? why am i still unsure of the words i speak forth to other people, even when i have prayed that You guard my heart and mind against any evil spirit or fleshly selfish desire. is this a gift i should practice, or one that You have reserved for me specifically during camps?
i have a thousand questions, help me to seek You through them.
DAY 2: Privilege
i felt so alone that day.
“there’s nick quek at the front lol”
God help me see beyond myself and financial status. You qualify me for the service You ordain for me. help to see through You the poor and needy, the rich and needy – help me to love through You. You love me so deeply and intimately, but sometimes it still feels strange and awkward. i don’t know why. sometimes it feels fake, and i don’t know what it would feel like if it were genuine; my mind can’t conjure the memories.
i need Your love. help me to feel it.
Day 3: Praise
why do your people sing? are they your people?
we had a standard last night. fast songs, a human train, a mosh-like circle pit, jumping, clapping, shouting.
why do your people sing?
there was a point where something clicked it me – this is wrong. these youth have no idea what they are doing. they are singing themselves to hell and no one is stopping them. who are they singing to?
God, is that true? or is the me being pessimistic and judgmental?
could you still work through this? do the youths know you?
do i know You?